The term boundaries is used so often in this culture, but do we really know what it means?  To have solid boundaries helps us lead a healthy lifestyle.  Boundaries impact all areas of our lives, and if we have strong boundaries, it can help decrease anger, anxiety and depression.  For example: a woman gets up in the morning with a list of things she needs to accomplish for that day.  Without any warning, her neighbor comes over, bringing a coffee cake and wanting to have a morning chat.  The woman is anxious because she didn't have time to chat with her neighbor, but she feels guilty for wanting to turn her away, so she lets the neighbor in and they chat for a couple of hours.  After the neighbor leaves, the woman realizes she is not going to get everything on her list accomplished and she feels angry and resentful towards her next door neighbor.  If the woman had better boundaries with the neighbor, she would not have anxiety and anger over the situation.  Can you put yourself in this woman's shoes for a moment?  Think about how you would respond in this situation, bearing in mind that you don't want to alienate your neighbor, but you do need to put a clear boundary in place.  One response could be "The coffee cake looks lovely, but I don't have time to chat today--could we do this tomorrow morning?"  Another and more direct approach could be "I enjoy when we are able to get together and chat, but I really need you to call me first."  That may sound a little harsh, but there are some people who don't have good boundaries themselves and they might need stronger language. 

Holidays can be a frustrating time as we deal with our families--some families only see each other during the holidays and a lack of boundaries can lead to over-whelming feelings of anxiety, depression, and resentment.  By expressing your boundaries with your family, you can decrease these feelings and have a more enjoyable holiday.  It may take some practice, and some people may be resistant, but with repetition and a belief in yourself, you can set good boundaries to have a happy holiday and healthier lifestyle.

Recently, I spoke to a colleague about video games and he replied “yeah, my young son is addicted to video games and I don’t know what to do about it”.  In my mind I thought, really?  Your young son is addicted to a game that has parental controls that can be set in place to limit his game playing, and you say he’s addicted?  While it is true that I do not know all of the circumstances of my colleague’s family life, my first thoughts revolved around the concept of this father accusing his child of an addiction.  What is addiction?  While addiction is a term usually used in alcohol and drug use, it can also be defined as “a continued involvement with a substance or activity despite the negative consequences associated with it.”  (Wikipedia Online, 2011, emphasis added).  Negative consequences include impairment in behavioral control, craving, inability to consistently abstain, and diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships.  For a child, that could be translated into refusing to do homework, skipping meals, not going to bed at night, skipping school—all to play his or her favorite video game.  Does your video game playing child have any of these problems?

With all the parental controls available on video games, I find it difficult to believe that these children are truly “addicted”.  Parents can control how long and what days a child can play the game, language filters, chat and real-time reports.  With this kind of parental control, it would be difficult to say that your child is truly addicted to video games.  If your child spends incessant amounts of time talking about their game, even when not playing it, perhaps it is because they feel they are not being heard.  Do you tend to “tune out” when your child talks about their game?  Are your responses to their excitement along the lines of “Hmm” or “Uh-huh” instead of actively participating in their conversation?  If you find your child continually talking about their video game, try to really listen to what they are saying by making the appropriate responses.

I have interviewed a few parents to attempt to understand what their true objection is with their child playing video games.  The most common response I receive is “I just don’t understand what they see in those games”.  So, the real problem appears to be a generation gap.  These parents did not have video games when they were young or are do not care to keep up with technology and therefore do not understand the appeal of this fascinating technological toy.  Another way to view your child’s fascination with video games is to remember it is keeping that child safe at home within a moment’s reach instead of wondering where your child is.  And what about the possibility of actually sitting down with your child and playing the game with them?  How wonderful it would be for the relationship between you, to give your child a moment of control where he or she can actually teach you how to play their favorite game?  Children have very few moments of control in their lives—they are controlled by their parents, their teachers, and most other adults or older siblings.  Spend some quality time with your child and let them invite you into their play world.  “But I’m afraid I might lose to my child.”  Really?  How can that be a bad thing?  I see this as an opportunity to show your child how you can lose with grace and acceptance.  What a fantastic teaching opportunity!

So re-evaluate your child’s “addiction” and be willing to challenge yourself—is it a true addiction, or is it a lack of understanding or fear about your child’s hobby?

© July 23, 2011 Lisa Duvall